Thank God for mirrors. They can change your life.
Sometimes seeing your own reflection makes you realize that you are sick.
Sometimes seeing a part of yourself in someone else, someone that you criticize, makes you realize that the part you hate in them is the part you hate in yourself.
Sometimes, for just a split second, God provides us with a mirror so startling and so real that it jumpstarts us into action.
And the only way to ever redeem yourself, to ever like yourself again, is to do the one thing you never thought you could do.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Sunday, June 5, 2011
The skin of my teeth
That's how I always seem to get along.
Our second homework assignment was due tonight, and I did not start until...yesterday. When I also had to read the two chapters in the book I was behind on. I know it seems like I'm procrastinating, but in my defense, we've been having rehearsals every night and "free time" has been sparse. That's my excuse, anyway. But after staying up until an ungodly 3:30 am last night trying to figure out the assignment, I awoke today with fresh eyes to solve the last two little things I was hung up on. That's the fun part of computer programming: when I initially looked at the problem, I thought, "Oh dear, I have NO idea how to do this." But then one step at a time, it comes together, and when it starts working like you want it to, it's such a rewarding feeling! Dork alert? Probably. Anyway, I have learned that I usually need at least one night to sleep on it to perfect and refine the program, and in the hopes of NOT staying up until 4 am I will have to try to get an earlier start on things. Hmm, we'll see how that goes. I also have a theory that I operate well under pressure.
Except, of course, at work. As a couple of you know, I had a major meltdown at work on Thursday. Like, hyperventilating-cannot-stop-crying meltdown. It's just too much. To make a long story short, we are overworked and underpaid. The pressure is neverending from management and emailed threats are not uncommon. They seem to hold ridiculous, impossible expectations and make no wiggle room when the work load is overwhelming. Add all of that onto a few (extremely) rude customers (when I am working my butt off to get to their claim, to help them, and they cannot even extend common courtesy) and you get: breakdown.
Sometimes I can be very short-sighted and, well, dumb. So after the catharsis, I started thinking. If I hate my job so much, why am I not looking for a new one? Even if it is still in claims, why not look for a job that at least pays decent? If I am going to be miserable, I might as well be rich, right? And as much as I'd hate to break my lease on my lovely apartment, I need only to stay in Florida to keep my in-state tuition. So on Saturday I started applying for a slew of jobs all across Florida. I felt better already :-)
And speaking of the apartment, I have made progress on the patio! Yesterday I made the acrosstown trek to Big Lots. Um, why have I not been shopping here before?!? Big Lots is the shiznit! Lots of nice stuff, and I found a lovely patio chair to get me started. I hope to get back soon to buy a second one (yes I am so poor that I could only afford one, don't you feel sorry for me?)... and then I will post some pics because I know you're just dying to see it!
Otherwise, I am getting ready for the play to open on Friday! Which is a tad stressful, too, because some of the actors still do not know their lines. I wish I was kidding.
And I'm just going to say it: I miss New York. I miss being a part of something so surreal that even on the dumpiest days I still felt alive. I'm not saying I want to move back anytime soon, especially after experiencing a New York winter last December (brr). But I know I've got to keep moving forward. After all, when I left, my goal was to go back to school to get a better job that would allow me to live comfortably in any city that I wanted. And that's (hopefully) what I am doing. So why doesn't it feel like an achievement?
Our second homework assignment was due tonight, and I did not start until...yesterday. When I also had to read the two chapters in the book I was behind on. I know it seems like I'm procrastinating, but in my defense, we've been having rehearsals every night and "free time" has been sparse. That's my excuse, anyway. But after staying up until an ungodly 3:30 am last night trying to figure out the assignment, I awoke today with fresh eyes to solve the last two little things I was hung up on. That's the fun part of computer programming: when I initially looked at the problem, I thought, "Oh dear, I have NO idea how to do this." But then one step at a time, it comes together, and when it starts working like you want it to, it's such a rewarding feeling! Dork alert? Probably. Anyway, I have learned that I usually need at least one night to sleep on it to perfect and refine the program, and in the hopes of NOT staying up until 4 am I will have to try to get an earlier start on things. Hmm, we'll see how that goes. I also have a theory that I operate well under pressure.
Except, of course, at work. As a couple of you know, I had a major meltdown at work on Thursday. Like, hyperventilating-cannot-stop-crying meltdown. It's just too much. To make a long story short, we are overworked and underpaid. The pressure is neverending from management and emailed threats are not uncommon. They seem to hold ridiculous, impossible expectations and make no wiggle room when the work load is overwhelming. Add all of that onto a few (extremely) rude customers (when I am working my butt off to get to their claim, to help them, and they cannot even extend common courtesy) and you get: breakdown.
Sometimes I can be very short-sighted and, well, dumb. So after the catharsis, I started thinking. If I hate my job so much, why am I not looking for a new one? Even if it is still in claims, why not look for a job that at least pays decent? If I am going to be miserable, I might as well be rich, right? And as much as I'd hate to break my lease on my lovely apartment, I need only to stay in Florida to keep my in-state tuition. So on Saturday I started applying for a slew of jobs all across Florida. I felt better already :-)
And speaking of the apartment, I have made progress on the patio! Yesterday I made the acrosstown trek to Big Lots. Um, why have I not been shopping here before?!? Big Lots is the shiznit! Lots of nice stuff, and I found a lovely patio chair to get me started. I hope to get back soon to buy a second one (yes I am so poor that I could only afford one, don't you feel sorry for me?)... and then I will post some pics because I know you're just dying to see it!
Otherwise, I am getting ready for the play to open on Friday! Which is a tad stressful, too, because some of the actors still do not know their lines. I wish I was kidding.
And I'm just going to say it: I miss New York. I miss being a part of something so surreal that even on the dumpiest days I still felt alive. I'm not saying I want to move back anytime soon, especially after experiencing a New York winter last December (brr). But I know I've got to keep moving forward. After all, when I left, my goal was to go back to school to get a better job that would allow me to live comfortably in any city that I wanted. And that's (hopefully) what I am doing. So why doesn't it feel like an achievement?
Monday, May 30, 2011
First blog
Greetings! I am looking forward to keeping this blog updated with my random thoughts and updates on interesting things going on in my life. Or, things that are not interesting, but I find them SO interesting that I force other people to pretend they're interesting, too. Probably more of the latter.
For example, this weekend I finally finished decorating my bathroom. I am almost too exhausted to enjoy it. After taking several weeks to find the perfect everything, you'd think it would be some grand design. Or, maybe you wouldn't. I don't know. But it isn't; it is a regular bathroom. It looks nice but for some reason I was so particular about what I wanted and I would not stop until I got it exactly. (And a side note to Andrea: the sea shell towels were an EXACT match for the color, so thanks for telling me over the phone to get them. :-)) Next I am going to focus on my patio.
While shopping today, I also unexpectedly found a present for my niece Grace's third birthday, which I think I love more than she will :-) It is SO cute, and requires me to get something else too, to go in it, but I love finding little treasures like that. And it was the last one, so I knew I had to get it!
I was so tempted to go clothes shopping too, but I can't. And please believe that this makes me enormously sad. I have not bought new clothes in, well, I don't know how long. But I can't afford it. I realize that this is a part of who I am. Shopping makes me happy. It makes me feel like a different person. Yes, I realize how ridiculous this sounds. But it's one of the few guilty pleasures I have left these days, so I allow it. When I can afford it. This is yet another motivation for me to work hard to get a good job so I can afford to go shopping when I want or need to!
Speaking of that, the class is going well. Right now, it's not very intense. I read the chapters when I have time, and we've only had one assignment so far. But I have a really, really good feeling about it. I like reading the book about programming. I find it interesting. And when I submitted the first assignment, I checked the internet vigorously for my grade until it appeared two hours later. Granted, it was a fairly easy assignment, but I was beaming when I read the words "100. Great job." (Am I boasting? Yes. Yes I am.) Seriously, I could not wipe the grin off my face for about five minutes. I haven't had that feeling since I got my admission letter to the American Acadamy of Dramatic Arts in NYC.
The real reason why I started this blog is because I realize that I need a place to dump my thoughts. This became particularly clear after a very disturbing dream I had last night; a dream I am now doubting as to whether I should discuss here, but here goes. It's been almost a year since I've talked to my brother. Last night, I had a dream that he died. It was so real, I can remember my heart breaking and crying over the news after my parents told me (since they're the only ones he talks to anymore, and sparingly at that). It was so real that when I woke up I had to check his Facebook profile just to make sure he was still there (which now sounds pretty dumb: What's on your mind? "Well I'm not dead" or "Hey! I'm still alive"). I am not one of those to overanalyze my dreams, or think it's a call to action. I think my subconscious is telling me he's "gone" and I miss him. Duh. But what can I do? Call him? Send him a letter? I opted for no. I was the one who was ousted. The ball's in his court, where it will probably stay for a long, long time. Maybe forever. So what do I do? I come here, and vent.
For example, this weekend I finally finished decorating my bathroom. I am almost too exhausted to enjoy it. After taking several weeks to find the perfect everything, you'd think it would be some grand design. Or, maybe you wouldn't. I don't know. But it isn't; it is a regular bathroom. It looks nice but for some reason I was so particular about what I wanted and I would not stop until I got it exactly. (And a side note to Andrea: the sea shell towels were an EXACT match for the color, so thanks for telling me over the phone to get them. :-)) Next I am going to focus on my patio.
While shopping today, I also unexpectedly found a present for my niece Grace's third birthday, which I think I love more than she will :-) It is SO cute, and requires me to get something else too, to go in it, but I love finding little treasures like that. And it was the last one, so I knew I had to get it!
I was so tempted to go clothes shopping too, but I can't. And please believe that this makes me enormously sad. I have not bought new clothes in, well, I don't know how long. But I can't afford it. I realize that this is a part of who I am. Shopping makes me happy. It makes me feel like a different person. Yes, I realize how ridiculous this sounds. But it's one of the few guilty pleasures I have left these days, so I allow it. When I can afford it. This is yet another motivation for me to work hard to get a good job so I can afford to go shopping when I want or need to!
Speaking of that, the class is going well. Right now, it's not very intense. I read the chapters when I have time, and we've only had one assignment so far. But I have a really, really good feeling about it. I like reading the book about programming. I find it interesting. And when I submitted the first assignment, I checked the internet vigorously for my grade until it appeared two hours later. Granted, it was a fairly easy assignment, but I was beaming when I read the words "100. Great job." (Am I boasting? Yes. Yes I am.) Seriously, I could not wipe the grin off my face for about five minutes. I haven't had that feeling since I got my admission letter to the American Acadamy of Dramatic Arts in NYC.
The real reason why I started this blog is because I realize that I need a place to dump my thoughts. This became particularly clear after a very disturbing dream I had last night; a dream I am now doubting as to whether I should discuss here, but here goes. It's been almost a year since I've talked to my brother. Last night, I had a dream that he died. It was so real, I can remember my heart breaking and crying over the news after my parents told me (since they're the only ones he talks to anymore, and sparingly at that). It was so real that when I woke up I had to check his Facebook profile just to make sure he was still there (which now sounds pretty dumb: What's on your mind? "Well I'm not dead" or "Hey! I'm still alive"). I am not one of those to overanalyze my dreams, or think it's a call to action. I think my subconscious is telling me he's "gone" and I miss him. Duh. But what can I do? Call him? Send him a letter? I opted for no. I was the one who was ousted. The ball's in his court, where it will probably stay for a long, long time. Maybe forever. So what do I do? I come here, and vent.
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